How is it, God, that You bless me so?!?
We have been walking the most hellacious healing journey over the past fifteen months. Seventy days of rehab, continuing therapy, massive financial commitment to healing, facing raw emotions and ruptures head on, recovery meetings, unemployment, a growing family to nurture, a marriage to resurrect from the grave.
I’ve swallowed enough ongoing trauma and distress to want to give up the fight. I have cried out to God — this has been too much, too hard, too long. And from my wretched gut, I have meant it with everything in me. It has felt like there is absolutely nothing left in me to give. Stretched far beyond my ability to fathom what God is allowing us to go through, and how his timing is so different than mine.
“One day at a time” is full of great truth and perspective, but there have also been days that it all felt too heavy, too piled up, too far to walk with no end in sight.
Utter desperation before God. Circumstances that don’t change. No calls from any job lead. No update on God’s plan for us. Uncertainty, anxiety, pounding down like a harsh spring hail. Unanswered questions. Prolonged silence. Even further delays. How long can God keep us here? How long can we wait?
And then the sky broke open with such a compelling warmth and sunshine that my heart hardly knew how to respond to such swelling joy. All of this hard work, our deepest investment of faith and healing, finally took over with such a strong force we couldn’t help but be transformed by it.
The arrival of spring, the birds’ song that penetrates into my soul, the warmth of the air melting frozen places within me, I can feel it. My heart is being revived and I am coming to new life.
The amazing thing is that we are still surrounded by much uncertainty. There is still no job to support our family. Questions remain unresolved and unsettled. So what has changed?
God is transforming this adversity and testing into endurance, depth, and wisdom. Astronomically more profound than anything we have ever walked, this must be preparation ground for something. We can’t see where he is taking us yet, but our faith is growing. We are becoming utterly convinced that God must know what he is doing. He must be good. He is indeed healing us and making us new.
Maybe it is because we are that desperate. We know it is not within our capacity to save ourselves. God is our only hope. If he can’t help us, we’re completely screwed. Have you ever been in a place so deep???
If you haven’t been there, I’m sure my words seem strange. Maybe you can’t relate. But, if you have walked seasons so dark and so hard that you weren’t sure if you could survive them, you are not alone. I’m walking them too. And God is so near with his purpose, his transforming power, his infinite grace, that this horrific journey is actually a privileged place to grow.
We don’t get to choose our classroom at times. We play the hand we’ve been dealt. We learn to accept the journey before us and make the most of it. Embrace it, believing if God can work anywhere, he can work in this.
And in a way that only God can, right there in the midst of what you’re walking, he brings on the sunshine. Simultaneously allowing us to experience pain, growth, and new life. Even when it’s hard, and long, and far too much. Suddenly you are so profoundly grateful for what he has allowed, because there is nothing so amazing as what God can do. Glory!!